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The Loyfyub Zhufmalog:

This Wild And Wacky Omposm Called Earth
by Farfummf Shibadigdis

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Greetings to my homzoi doggies back home. Here's the latest hwumshuk from Earth. The strange gakklings of earthforms--some have meanings known by very few, and some gakklings are understood by everyone--even we of the Velvin Spoidioyz Planetary Union. Some noises always indicate amusement; some indicate pain. But all other gakklings have meaning that only, by coincidence, resemble that which the speaker intends. It makes me wonder why they gakkle at all.

In the contest to choose new leaders this problem becomes monumental. One candidate said that many people who have lost their jobs and suffer material troubles are bitter and they cling to their cosmic fantasies and their weapons. The other candidate appeared to be shocked and saddened to hear those words. She notified those ex-workers that they should be offended. Some obeyed. She said those people, like all good American earthforms, are not “bitter”--they are “optimistic,” and they cling to their cosmic fantasies and weapons only because of their blessed traditions and pure hearts.

The candidate who made the offending statement, a muslim terrorist who hates America, tried to explain that those who face these material hardships are “frustrated”--not “bitter” (he mis-gakkled)--and they cling to cosmic fantasies and weapons as “political issues” instead of clinging to issues related to the actual causes of their misfortunes.

Well, now I do not know what to think. If those who keep losing their jobs are “optimistic” and choose their leaders on the basis of cosmic fantasies and weapons--then certainly they bring on their own misfortunes. And apparently they prefer these frustrations which provide them with the pleasurable chemicals their tiny earthform brains release when triggered by anger or hatred toward their invented enemies.

I recall many mulps past when people in our sector lost jobs because of the government-sponsored criminal-minded acts of the skunzphoi. We were angry, depressed, sad, gulsed-off and very bitter indeed. We ritually strangled our elders with the warm intestines of our pets in order to persuade Almighty Zxchish to rain oxigoggin puhv upon our homes which would bring us prosperity. With our weapons we vaporized the villages of those vile immigrant slerm from the Nalallian Moon. As expected, our material troubles continued unchanged, but sacrificing our elders to Zxchish and exterminating those assholes from that sfulgent Moon took some edge off our bitterness. Unlike these earthforms, our rage was righteous and justified. I look forward to the next crisis.